The Marine Biologist
1995
Elaine: (to the phone)Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirts such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy in the gulag!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
Elaine: Oh! Don't you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
Jerry: Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War--What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song!
Jerry: That's were they got it from!
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking!
George: You can't handle the truth!(he salutes)
Jerry: What?
George: I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth!(he solutes)
Elaine: What, is this your mail? (She takes the mail and starts flipping through)
George: Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't want my mother reading it.
Elaine: Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards?
George: No, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open?
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What did she say?
George: I was curious!
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
Elaine: Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfled has appeared on "David Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called "Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything about you in here?
Jerry: He can't handle the truth!
Elaine: All right.. this is too fun I gotta get back to work.
Kramer: Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.
Kramer: Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything
Elaine: Wow!
Kramer: It's got an alarm that beeps!
Elaine: Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you sure you can't use one of these things??
Kramer: Oh no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)
Elaine: Where'd you get this?
Kramer: The bank, I opened a new account.
George: Did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
Jerry: Yeah, got it from the bank.
Kramer: (over excited) Hey
George: Hey
Kramer: (still over excited) Who wants to have some fun!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: (once again, over excited) Are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you really want to have fun?!
Jerry: I really wanna have some fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... ..... gulp!
George: Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
Jerry: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
George: Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.
George: Keep your head down.
Jerry: Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no (he looks over again)balance inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again)
processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets his money and then looks at the woman and says)I won!
Diane: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah
Diane: Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've seen you on TV you're doin' great.
Jerry: Yeah pluggin' along.
Diane: I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what ever happened to your friend
George? I never see him in there.
Jerry: Well he's kind of modest.
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?
Jerry: Sure.
Diane: Yeah? What field?
Jerry: Marine biology.
Diane: George is a marine biologist?!
Jerry: A pretty damn good one, too!
Diane: I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought..
Jerry: Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they don't have to be."
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Yeah! How'd she look.
Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did! What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
George: OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.
Jerry: I got no problem with that.
George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game...we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding.
Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: So?
Jerry: You don't think it's a good job.
George: I didn't think it was a job.
Jerry: Oh. It's a fascinating field!
George: What if she calls. What will I say?
George: Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.
Lippman: We have got you in a very nice hotel, I don't know how you like to work but I can arrange for an office if you want.
Testikov: I will work in hotel...much better. I will work away from all the penny bickering and interference.
Lippman: You know Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: He didn't need any inspiration....God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: That is so true! Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's original name "War---What Is It Good For?"
Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from Tolstoy.
Lippman: I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.
Testikov: What is that noise!
Lippman: What is that?
Elaine: It's coming from my purse. It must be my new organizer, here.
Lippman: Elaine...here!
Testikov: Turn it off.
Lippman: It's the top one!
Elaine: I'm trying!
Testikov: HERE!
Jerry: I did it for you.
George: Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes me for me.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs) I don't want em!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out!
Jerry: Well what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
Jerry: What, what, what's wrong with you?
Kramer: Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking down his shirt) Look there is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!
Jerry: Hey you're getting it all over the floor!
Jerry: (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it is....really....oh. Can you hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help track down the owner.
George: How'd she find it?
Jerry: It hit her in the head!
Corinne: So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right on the head.
Jerry: Ya.
Corinne: Yeah, So they took me to the hospital and they put me in this thing that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
Jerry: Well you have insurance...
Corinne: I wish!
Jerry: Unbelievable!
Corinne: Yeah.
Jerry: What is with this thing.
Corinne: I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you can see why I would be interested in finding this person.
Jerry: Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
Corinne: (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop it! Stop it!
Jerry: Let me have a look at this thing.
Corinne: Yeah know somebody told me they thought they saw it coming out of a limousine.
Jerry: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
Corinne: Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
Jerry: I would like to know what my name is doin in this creep's organizer
to begin with.
Corinne: Ya.
Jerry: Who do I even know that would have been in a limousine yesterday anyway. OHHHH!
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Elaine: Hey, "great" organizer that you gave me.
Kramer: Oh, you like it huh.
Elaine: It wouldn't stop beeping in the car so Testikov through it out the window.
Kramer: Oh.
Elaine: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.
Elaine: What, what is it?
Kramer: The sand, it's everywhere!
Elaine: OK I'll see you later.
Jerry: Oh, there you are!
Elaine: There you are!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Elaine: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Jerry: Why should I have anything for say for myself?
Elaine: "War-- What is it go for?"!
Jerry: Ha Ha, who told you?
Elaine: Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What Is IT Good For?"?
Elaine: Ya know what happened?
Jerry: Can I take a guess?
Elaine: Please.
Jerry: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
Elaine: What, how did you know that?
Jerry: Because I know who has it.
Elaine: What, how did you find it?
Jerry: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name in it, called me up and we met!
Elaine: Well where is it, give it to me!
Jerry: I don't have it!
Elaine: Why not.
Jerry: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
Elaine: But I didn't do Testikov did it, he should have to pay for it!
Jerry: How much is Testikov getting from Pendman for this book?
Elaine: One million.
Jerry: Well that's a start.
George: Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be.
Diane: Really?
George: Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... architecture...
Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in?
Elaine: Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this!
Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested, you want to take her out?
Jerry: You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
Elaine: Well you're not Super Man.
Jerry: Well you're not Louis Lane.
Elaine: Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder.
Jerry: Ya, are you sure you want to do this.
Elaine: Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it.
Jerry: Ah, here she comes.
Jerry: Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne.
Elaine: Hi, you got the organizer?
Jerry: All right lets go. We'll meet you back here in ten minutes hopefully with the money.
Diane: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
George: Oh, they're busting!
Diane: What are those people doing over there?
Testikov: (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What is it! Oh! Come in. That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment?
Elaine: Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know, single woman alone in a big city could be dangerous.
Jerry: Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble and zip, I'm gone.
Testikov: Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans and their sneakers. Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes and I'll give you the latest manuscript!
Jerry: Oh! Ramscy<?>, great great book if I my say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
Corinne: What!
Hotel Clerk: If you can't thing off I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Corinne: I'm waitin for two people!
Hotel Clerk: Well you can wait for them outside.
Corinne: Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers!
Hotel Clerk: All right, All right. Out, Out.
Corinne: What ever you say Cro..w-well!
Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman at beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying.
Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist?
Testikov: Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same place. On time please.
Jerry: It was nice meeting you, real pleasure!
Elaine: Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw it out the window?
Testikov: How could I forget?
Elaine: Well would you believe that it hit actually somebody in the head.
Jerry: Right in the head!
Elaine: Boing!
Testikov: (Shouting)What is that noise!
Elaine: Um ,nothing.
Testikov: What is the noise!
Elaine: Hey that's my purse!
Testikov: A recorder!
Elaine: No that's a radio..
Testikov: You were spying on me!
Elaine: No I wasn't.
Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's gonna die!
Diane: Save the whale George... for me.
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!
George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh.
Jerry: Well the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.
Jerry: All right lets go.
Elaine: Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine: Ohhh! GoldenBoy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.
Kramer: What's with you?
George: Sand. It's everywhere